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Job Interview.

February 14, 2009

Me: May I come in?

Bossy: Come in, laddie. Please be seated. Did he really say laddie or did I imagine that? Mental note: stop inhaling nail-polish remover, or try another brand.

Bossy: I hope you didn’t have any trouble finding our office? It’s a bit of a maze, this complex.

Sure I did, Mr. But I don’t suppose you give a dodo’s extinct bottom about that. So quit the polite stuff. Just call forth your firing squad of an interview panel and let’s be done with all this inconsequential nonsense.

Me: Someone guided me to your office, Thank You.

Bossy: Good. So let’s get started then.

Yay.

Bossy: You have an impressive CV.

Me: Thank you, Sir.

Bossy: Tell me about your last assignment.

I ate a really bad Burger just before getting here.

Me: I was Assistant Project Manager at McChicki.. Uhhh…I beg your pardon, Mckinsky.

Bossie: And what exactly did your work there involve, Robinson?

Me: Please call me Rob, Ma’am.

Bossie: (Fake smile. Then back to deadpan expression) OK. So tell us about your present job, Rob. (Maintaining deadpan expression throughout)

What that over-friendly and unprofessional on my part. Hmm, too late now. Anyway, was that job-Rob thing intended? Maybe she’s a smart bitch. Anyway, sucks to her. Two can play at that game. Bossie, you so Saucy. Saucy bossie. Saucy Boss, Bossie Sauce.

Me: I had a team of 5 analysts and 3 associates under me. The work entailed giving strategic advice to ailing small and medium sized firms. Some of them included well-known firms such as Whatchout.U.R.Fkked & Co., ThetaExcreta Inc. and KniseTrySucccer and Bros. After our targeted and excellently researched strategic inputs, these firms witnessed a dramatic turn-a-round and that too within a span of a year – as reflected in their Q4 reports of 2005: WURF & Co – 10.6% profit; TE Inc. – 17% profit; KTSB – 0.2 % profit. We view KTSB as our biggest success: they were able to break even and actually post a profit- a fact that surpassed our wildest expectations.  In other words, there really must be a God, considering the bullshit we fed them. And yes, the numbers are fudged. Like duh.

Bossy: Hmmm. So your team was behind the KTSB recovery. Good work there. I followed KTSB’s progress. It did come as a surprise to all of us that they managed to stay afloat, especially after their CEO was arrested a year back over that kiddy-porn scandal.

Yes that CEO’s predicament was ‘no child’s play’. Robinson – 2, Bossie- 1.

Bosey:  Why do you want to work for us, Rob?

Because you pay more, genius. But of course, I will have to say that subtly (after all, aren’t we all working here for the greater good of mankind), and maybe hide my charitable intentions under piles of ego-massaging tripe. In fact, I would prefer to work for Greenpeace, but decided to come here only because I heard you guys have more comfortable furniture. And, mental note: maintain eye-contact with interviewer, but don’t stare. And do not keep arms folded (keeping arms folded is defensive apparently). Also, resist strong urge to grab my gonads, to prove that they are not pulpy overripe fruit.  Wonder what that would say about my psychology:  probably that I haven’t been reading the best book on interview prep.

Me: Your firm is the biggest in the industry and is also widely considered the best. I would like to work in a more challenging environment, and in a place where there are adequate prospects for growth and where achievement is acknowledged and duly rewarded. I believe that your firm would provide me with such an environment.

(Nods of approval from the interview panel)

Bossie: So tell us Rob, why should we hire you?

Easy one: because I’m a real panther in bed, and my dick is a wild anaconda; and also because you guys are dopes.

Me: I believe that my qualifications coupled with my previous work experience with Mckinsky, has put me in an ideal position to handle this job. Although your firm handles larger clients than the ones I was dealing with there, I am well versed with the requisite knowledge and skills. Also, I have been working in a high-pressure environment throughout my time in Mckinsky.  Moreover, I am a very quick learner, so I’m confident that I would adapt to the new environment faster than you can say Bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

Now for the love of God, I implore you! Please do not ask me that horrible ‘strengths and weaknesses’ question. Please!!

Bossy: Hmm. So tell us Robbie, what do you believe to be your greatest strengths and weaknesses?

Feck you.  Feck you again. Cloddish corporate cauliflower.

Me: Umm.. my greatest strengths are that I manage to stay focussed on my tasks and also stay innovative, in high-stress situations. I work very well in teams, and my people skills are among the best this side of Texas. My weaknesses: people often get envious of me because I perform very well time and time again. This means that I often face a lot of bad office politics. I would say that being too good at my work is a weakness for me. My other big weakness is that I’m a workaholic and a perfectionist; again this can be hard on inefficient people.

Bossy: I must say that you are very confident of yourself, Robin. Maybe overconfident, and that can be a negative thing. But somehow, I like your spirit and have a feeling that you are not bull-shitting us. (Gives quick smile, and then engages in surreptitious scratching of crotch.)

Bull-shitting is for rookies, Bossy. I’m into unusual shit, like giraffe shit, cheetah shit etc.  Wait till you hire me. After that your life will become one big pot of esoteric excreta. :)

Now I hope to God that these charlies don’t ask me my second least favourite question: tell us of an instance when you used your leadership and team-skills to resolve a problem?

Bosey: (has been quiet all this while, clearly trying to psychoanalyse me). Well, I think that will be all, Robi. Do have any questions for us?

Thank God they didn’t ask the other dirty question. Questions.  Hmmm.  Let’s see. Oh yes: why don’t you go screw yourself?

Me: No Sir, none right now.

Bosey: Good then. Thank you for your time. We will get back to you shortly.

Me: Thank you.

Bye bosey, don’t miss me too much.

End.

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