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Indian Matrimonial Columns

May 23, 2008

The Arranged Marriage market in India is thriving; it’s scale, truly awe-inspiring. One need only sift through the matrimonial columns and supplements of our newspapers to see how vast and diverse this business really is. Often it is the case, that the uninitiated reader of these advertisements is taken aback by the element of specificity in the alliances being sought. Here are a few advertisements that encompass the commonly sought after things and reflect some popular sentiments:

 

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Beautiful, fair*, tall (5 ft 5 in – 5 ft 8 in), 20-25 age group, foot-size not more than 7 (Indian size), convent-educated**, homely girl*** from good social background sought for young man belonging to wealthy industrialist family, owns palatial houses with typical Indian soap-opera style twin converging staircases (you know, the ones that look like a necklace), promise of luxurious life, am sexier than thou (if thou happens to be a Komodo Dragon that is, but how does that matter: it’s only inner beauty that counts right?). Anyway, a lot of girls who would be interested in me solely on the basis of reading this ad would have to be materialistic, most probably shallow and the kinds that are easily attracted to ostentation. So, know that I would be on to you, if and when you decide to respond to this ad, you gold-digging bitch.

* Girls with wheatish and darker skin tones need not respond.

** By convent-educated, I hope it is clearly understood that I mean a virtuous non-lesbian virgin. Please provide attested documentary evidence if hymen ruptured while doing gymnastics, cycling etc.

*** A homely girl is a girl who is content with a mindless domestic life, is respectful to my parents and takes care of them whenever necessary, is happy to spend most of her life bringing up my future kids, and never says no when I want sex. Please understand that it is not easy to run a business empire and frequent sex may often be the only stress busting activity I would have time for.

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Wanted: Superman, for Superwoman. If you are Superman, I know you would possess all the things I look for in a man–so no issues there. But I do have one demand: you MUST procure extra pairs of superhero costume and at least ten extra pairs of external red underwear*. There is a lot of suspended particulate matter (SPM is a form of pollution) in the air these days, and as we would be flying around on a regular basis to save the world, this could cause our underwear to look stained or soiled. This is quite unsightly, and has been a source of embarrassment for me on a number of occasions. So given that you would be my better half then, I wouldn’t ever want to be embarrassed on your account. I thought it would be best to be upfront about this.

*Come to think of it, I suppose it should technically be called ‘overwear’ in our case. Still I decided to stick to convention as overwear sounds a bit odd.

PS: Can give you the number of my tailor who makes my superwoman costume. He’s a friend, quite a competent chap too; will ask him if he could give you a discount :).

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Wanted: Beautiful match for 26 year old engineer guy, currently working as an IT professional in a reputed firm. Ok let me be very honest with you. This oppressive Indian society has driven me crazy. To start with, I had a strict and ultra-conservative upbringing, with a real tyrant of a matriarch. This has in my earnest self-assessment largely contributed to leaving me very sexually frustrated. I really cannot understand our deal when it comes to the whole sexual morality thing. Pre-marital sexual relationships in Indian society are still largely considered illicit and are frowned upon. The focus of this argument on the illegitimacy, or illicitness with respect to sex makes marriage sound like a contract that legitimises a kind of prostitution between consenting adults. The whole thing sucks and makes issues of ‘getting pleasure’ complicated and cumbersome. Strangely enough, ours is the same society that wrote the Kamasutra, arguably the most sexually unshackled treatise ever written (and contains stuff that is unlikely to be tried in most western countries before 2200 A.D.)

The point here really is that I am tired of feeling sex-starved and hormonal. I am tired of touching myself romantically in some lonely corner of my room. I am tired of trying to stuff my cock into the floppy drive of my office computer (which incidentally once almost cost me my sex drive permanently). So please someone, answer this advertisement ASAP, and let’s just quickly start going about it like a couple of rabbits.

Ps: Apologies that my very-traditional family would insist on taking dowry, but I promise on my part that you would be reimbursed at least some of the dowry amount at a later date if you like kinky sex.

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End.

 

 

 

 

 

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One Comment
  1. amit permalink

    Vinayak has great imagination,humor and is very observant about things ….Should be encouraged to publish extensively.Keep it up boss !

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