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Job Advertisement.

October 5, 2007

Why not quit your job as Faff Specialist (commonly known by other names such as Strategic Analyst to name one)? And work for us? Macrohard Inc. currently has a vacancy for the position of Prime Secretary.

Why work for us? Here are a few things which should convince you:

* Macrohard is a globally recognised company with branches in 30 cities around the world. Our businesses are diverse, ranging from providing clients with IT solutions for their businesses to giving strategic advice to super-power nations on how to wage wars the world over for the purpose of opening up new markets. With our strong global network and clientele, the career growth opportunities are simply immense.

* World class training facility at our headquarters: Our 3-week training program is arguably one of the best in the world. As a matter of fact we rope in experts from diverse fields to train our secretaries. To cite one feature of our unparalleled expertise in training: an often vital skill for a secretary is to be able to pick up incoherent, hardly audible and often meaningless conversation and be able to summarise or type it out in real time. Taking the minutes of a meeting is one instance of such a task. To equip our trainees with this skill, we hire the world’s best known Rap artists to come to our training centres and  give our budding secretaries tips and examples on how to make sense of what is being said by repeatedly giving them rap song recitals and general lectures on diverse areas of Phonetics. We call this the Rap Artist Training Module (RATM). The module includes learning the techniques of being able to replace profanity that drives-home-the-point-in-an-uncomplicated-fashion, with politically correct language. For instance, if in a meeting someone says, ‘If the shit hits the fan on this one, our profit margins will be fucked.’, our secretaries after undergoing the RATM will effortlessly interpret this in real time as, ‘If the faeces interacts with a rapidly rotating object, our profit margins will be fornicated.’ (Note: RATM not to be confused with Rage Against The Machine)

* A good secretary must be equipped with skills to handle phone calls from demanding clients. Often a secretary will find himself or herself in a situation where he or she has no clue about how to answer a client’s queries. Precisely why one whole module of our training program is dedicated to teaching you how to maintain a high Excrement Ratio (ER) in such situations. The ER is a concept that has been developed by our very own think tank; it’s partly inspired by observations made about the general nature of customer-care hotlines. The Excrement Ratio generalises the notion of bull-shit, making it a comprehensive solution since we believe that things like mastodon-shit and falcon-shit, to name just a couple, are often left unaddressed by other firms. The ER is, to put it concisely, all about spewing verbal excrement on our customers while speaking in a manner that somewhat calms or mesmerises them. Having this knowledge can only be a good thing and will undoubtedly benefit you, both at a professional as well as personal level.

* The ER technique is often used in tandem with another concept of ours which we call the PCBMS (Post-Coital Bliss Musical Sequence). This is actually the background music a customer hears when his or her call is put on hold. Developed by our think tank (and in no small measure by consultations with top psychologists, musicians and some of the most respected names in the Porn Industry), the PCBMS successfully conjures up images of love, peace, serenity, romance and bliss in the mind of the listener. The PCBMS when used in tandem with the ER technique proves to be a very effective business strategy indeed.

* Great working environment and best-in-the-industry remuneration packages : The cubicles in our offices are built in a way that they are four feet above the ground with a small ladder to get up to the cubicle. The reason for building such unique structures is to remind every employee every day that in our firm, everyone gets a chance to climb the corporate ladder. As an incentive for people to work hard, we provide a 15% bonus to all employees who are sexually aroused by hearing the phrase ‘Carpal Tunnel Syndrome’ and a 20% bonus if they actually orgasm regularly due to being afflicted with it. It is what we call the ‘more pain more pleasure, more gain’ philosophy.

Send in your CV along with a covering letter to qwerty@macrohard.com
Get on the road to a rewarding career today.

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2 Comments
  1. Rohini Kohli permalink

    This is priceless- I think putting the ladder under every chair in the cubicle is probably the best metaphor for the -ghett-oric of the corporate or rather any other insitutional word, I now know who I want to have as my next employer,

    :-)
    Bugs

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