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Janice in Blunderland.

August 31, 2007

The car passed by me at a considerable velocity. Unfortunately for me, there was a pool of putrid, possibly germ infested water close to where I stood. One of the tires of the car conveniently plunged right into the surprisingly deep receptacle. Thus a considerable volume of water was displaced and most of that slapped my visage with a force that was not as gentle as one would have hoped. The whole incident added insult to injury as the temperature of the city was very high, and now this: I was already in heat and this coupled with the fact that I was very dirty made normal functioning and behaviour quite difficult. I was then afraid that the high temperature would quickly cause the muck to harden on my body and subsequently make me look like one of the hapless residents of Pompeii in A.D. 79 when Mt. Vesuvius erupted and destroyed the whole damn town. This unpleasant imagery caused me to quicken my steps to a banana plantation which happened to be just around the corner. I entered the plantation as furtively as I could manage and plucked a handful of leaves, making sure that I only plucked one leaf from a particular tree. I did this because had I plucked all the leaves from one plant, the tree would have looked unusually bald and this would undoubtedly have aroused some measure of suspicion. The last thing I needed at this stage I thought to myself, was a handful of cops on my back for the stealing of a bunch of banana leaves. I then proceeded to wipe the muck off my body. Using a leaf for such an activity presented its own set of problems though: the surface of the leaf was smooth and not absorbent as of course was to be expected. This meant that rather than the muck actually being separated from the body it distributed itself in a uniform layer instead, very much analogous to spreading a blob of butter on a toast. The net result was positive nevertheless: I looked cleaner even if it was just an optical illusion.
The firmament meanwhile had decided to change its colour from a bright blue to the pale pink of dusk, or was it a pale orange; it was somewhat confusing to tell.

I made my way to the outskirts of the city. I was on foot as I had very little money on me.
The reader may smell something fishy at this juncture since a lot of time seems to have elapsed and there has been no talk about any morsels being ingested. Thus, to maintain the veracity of my account I solemnly confess that I stole a couple of bananas back at the plantation which kept me going. Anyway, so I made my way to the outskirts of the city.
There was a cemetery there and that’s where I planned to spend the night. A walk through the cemetery led to the woods which also housed a little lake. Well it was more like a large pond really. It was dark by the time I got there. The only light source, the moon, was not completely reliable as the sky was partially cloudy.

There was a tombstone near the area I pitched camp. It read:

In loving memory of
Mr. Charles Lesson
‘Here Endeth the Lesson’.

After I finished eating a banana (OK so I had taken three), I made my way to the lake for a swim. The water was at a considerably low temperature which made me shiver as I entered it, stark naked. It seemed that I had awoken a shoal of fish. I felt their unctuous skins brush past my body but I was at peace. The only time I felt slightly unnerved was when they brushed past my genital area. That wasn’t a very encouraging feeling.
I dried myself and made my way back to the familiar tombstone guided only by the scant moonlight and finally called it a night. But of course dear reader I didn’t sleep naked; I put on my clothes first. That’s a silly question don’t you think. It’s a friggin cemetery for cryin out loud. Do you think that I would risk getting sexually assaulted by a ghost randomly passing by me that I may have managed to arouse in the middle of the night?


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