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Next generation Phone Sex Company…

July 31, 2007

Try it today! It may not be as phony as it sounds!

So you’ve had a rough day at office, and you clearly understand that some good quality end-of-the-day Phone Sex would do wonders for that mental fatigue and listlessness.
But in reality, what do you get when you make that (terribly) over-priced phone call? In all likelihood, it’s going to be that same old female calling herself Ivana, with her same old husky-breathy voice…so much so that you can almost sniff the Halitosis coming from across the telephone line. Well almost. And the seduction ritual eventually becomes so monotonous, predictable and trite that one starts to wonder if strangling oneself with the telephone coil just may be a wee bit more gratifying.

The situation is clearly quite dire; some freshness, variety and at least moderate titillation are clearly the need of the hour. So what is the solution? The answer is, hold your breath…….. OK hold it a little longer……………here it is.. A semi-automated Phone Sex System! Our latest business venture, PhonySex™ provides exactly such a service.

We at PhonySex™ firmly believe that ‘Customer is King’. That’s why we deliver the best service to our esteemed customers and strive to maintain the most stringent of standards. A vast majority of our Customer Care Executives (CCE) are graduates from prestigious universities worldwide, handpicked by our dedicated team of head-hunters. Some of these students initially believed that a career in industry would be better than a career involving conversations with depraved people. We ultimately managed to convince them that the two ‘different career paths’ were actually one and the same thing–two sides of the same coin if you like. We have both male and female CCE given that our clientele span both sexes and all orientations. Our team also comprises several psychologists who are an indispensable asset to our firm. And last but not least, the two most special members of our team, Herbie and Lizzie–our resident hippopotamus and Komodo dragon respectively. Sometimes all the psychologists in the world fail to bring out the animal in our customers. When this happens we simply bring out our own animals to bring out their animals–an instance of a really simple idea that has proven to be ridiculously effective on several occasions.

Here’s how the system works:

The basic idea is really quite simple. The customer dials the specified telephone number and then simply follows the said automated instructions. He/she can choose a particular option in a menu by pressing numbers on his/her keypad, just like any other automated database handling system. He/she can undo an option or skip a menu etc.–all the standard things.

Next, our team of psychologists armed with computers quickly assess your chosen options. This helps us to create a detailed sexual profile and allows us to cater to your needs and fantasies with unparalleled precision. Within minutes of your call, one of our highly-trained CCE will get back to you to fix a convenient time for your personalised phone sex session with us.

Below we list the questions that the automated system asks you. Remember that you can skip a question at any time if you feel that it is not relevant to you.

As a general rule, the options listed for the questions follow a set pattern: While the first and second options are relatively straightforward, the third option is border-line questionable. The fourth option gives us the more philosophically oriented perspective. The fifth option is designed for those who thrive on adventure and to take the customer into random uncharted territory. (Caution: Option 5 is not recommended for customers with cardiovascular ailments.) :

————-

A. Sex ?

1. Male

2. Female

3. I am androgynous.

4. It hardly matters in the larger scheme of things.

5. Physician feel thyself.

————

B. Above legal Age for this sort of thing?

1. Of course.

2. Not really, but I pay well.

3. I will take the Fifth Amendment on this one, thank you.

4. It hardly matters in the larger scheme of things.

5. What sort of a question is this? I demand a formal apology.

————

C. I am interested in having a conversation with a

1. Man

2. Woman

3. How about a transvestite while you are at it?

4. Why does the acceptance of one community have to entail the renunciation of the Other?

5. Who cares as long as I am on a nudist beach sipping a Long Island Ice Tea.

————-

D. You find which voice among these the most attractive?

1. Raspy

2. Baritone

3. AC/DC lead singer

4. Silence can be a most effective voice for communication.

————-

E. Preferred Pre-mating activities.

1. Hollywood movie style pushing-hard-against-the-wall-while- engaging- in- highly- contrived-foreplay.

2. Whispering sweet nothings/nothing sweet and/or chewing on earlobe

3. Discussion of the ramifications of Quantum Mechanics in relation to Nature of Reality discourses.

4. It hardly matters in the larger scheme of things.

5. Come on Baby light my fire (and here’s the Kerosene).

————

F. Preferred ‘sounds’ generated by these sorts of actions.

1. This food is really spicy.. (Gasping for air sound)

2. Softly braying donkey

3. AC/DC lead singer

4. Silence is golden

5. The combined sound of the entire Industrial Revolution.

————-

G. Preferred background music when engaged in such activities.

1. George Michael (eg. Fast Love, Father Figure).

2. Shakira (Underneath your clothes)

3. Enigma (The principles of Lust, Return to Sadism)

4. It hardly matters in the larger scheme of things.

5. Bad Jazz, sleazy slow playing saxophone.

————

H. Preferred time span for entire activity

1. Haste makes waste.

2. Hurry up, I’ve got a plane to catch.

3. Hedonism is the opiate of the masses.

4. Life is best when led as one long orgy.

————

I. Preferred sexual proverb

1. Make love while the sun shines.

2. Love thy neighbour like thy wife.

3. When in Rome, use Roman lubricants.

4. The existence and uniqueness of sex is a conjecture whose solution eludes the dogged mathematician.

5. A rolling penis gathers no salmonellae.

————-

Thank you for using PhonySex™.

—————————–

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