Transcending the physical with Julia and Julia.

I hardly knew either of them while at university. There wasn’t ever much more exchanged between us than the occasional hello, and that too if we happened to bump into one another somewhere. What was palpable though was the genuine warmth that they would always exude. Incidentally both were named Julia, with the difference that one of the names was pronounced with a silent J.

My course got over before I could savour everything that was on offer at university, and I was back at home. I tried to keep in touch with the friends and colleagues from my time there, even though I knew it was unlikely that we would meet again. They were now scattered all over the world and were busy with their lives, which of course was to be expected.

Gradually I lost touch with many people who I had known quite well there. Some of them I had spent a considerable amount of time with.

We meet many people during our lifetimes and a great number of relationships are formed. Most of these relationships however, for one reason or another will not transcend the physical.

I also once sent short messages via the internet to these two girls, the ones I hardly knew. It was something that I had felt like doing. I had thought that it would be nice to be in touch, and I am glad I ended up doing so.

There’s this thing about communication via the internet: it can be quite magical at times. The internet can  act like a veil for onself- an elaborate one, but a veil nonetheless. A veil under which one can free oneself from some of the impeding forces that physicality brings with it. A veil under which one can disseminate one’s mind and explore another’s, in a pure and elemental way. A relatively safe prospect of uninhibited communication- free from impediments such as protocol, convention and propriety. The initial stages of many relationships see these impediments; sometimes they always remain between two people. The internet- a veil that unmasks.

With these two, honesty and willingness freely permeated through these magical veils. With Julia (non-silent J), it started on a cautious note, but after a short while turned out to be among the most substantive and meaningful correspondences that I have had thus far in my life. Infrequent but always long emails, discussing issues that went beyond the superficial. We talked pretty much about anything that was happening in our lives. In Julia I always found a caring and compassionate person, and a rational mind that chose words carefully and correctly. All these traits made communication with her a wholesome and  satisfying experience.

With the other Julia it was somewhat different, but equally special. I searched for her online one day, found her and sent her a message. I cannot remember if it was the first or second time that we chatted, but I do remember that it lasted three to four hours non-stop. That day we talked about everything; some of it was intensely personal. Strange, given that this was almost our first interaction. It was as if someone had opened the floodgates between two beings; the magical veils undoubtedly acted as a catalyst. Julia was ebullient and uncannily forthright. She was intelligent, emotional and affectionate; it was but natural for us to get along. Since then, we have chatted online frequently. Julia is an icon on my computer screen; an icon that is also my window into a mind.

I have a good feeling that I will be in touch with both Julia and Julia for a long time to come. Fortuitousness is a one word that comes to my mind. Serendipity is another.

Letter to friend.

Dear M,

It has taken me some courage to say this to you; it would be fair to say that a significant proportion of my heart is invested in these words. What you read here may seem like something out of the blue, but I hope that you would not consider it absurd; it is something that I’ve wanted to say to you for a while now.

We have known each other for many years- long enough for me to be able to tell you that something has always felt amiss between us. Bear with me a little while I try to explain.

I am not really interested in the specifics; in my opinion that would only be a waste of time. I shall consider the abstract instead.

Why do I get this strong feeling every time we meet, that you play some role, that you wear a heavy mask? What disturbs me the most is the strong sense I get, that the person you truly are is not even along the same direction of the person you appear to be. In other words, if I were to come to know by some miracle the things that I do not know about you, they would actually contradict the person you appear to be. This I find very disconcerting. The question you would naturally ask at this point would be why I get such a feeling in the first instance. The answer to this is simple: we have spent a lot of time together these past few years. Over a period of time, I have noticed what could be called behavioural inconsistencies, or glitches if you like- things that do not quite fit the model.

Do I know you even a little bit? It is likely that I don’t. What I would really like for once is to have your mind- naked; the separation of it from the trappings of deceit.

I ask for this knowing well that deceit has obvious benefits. After all it does serve our interests well: it helps us conform to idealised images of superiority, success and acceptable norms of decency. It is often the path of least resistance to achieve some goal. It protects our image in the eyes of others. It comes to our rescue when we are afraid what others would think when the truth might reveal the beast in us, or when it might make us feel weak, vulnerable or fragile. Deceit it seems is but an epiphenomenon of a more -should I say – ’sophisticated’ version of the survivalist instinct, and thus I suppose hard to relinquish. So it is not that I do not understand.

Then why am I bothering you with this request? Because, I want to know who you really are, what your true state of being- your essence is. What I yearn for is an unhindered connection between us, and I believe that this perfect, seamless connection can be born only of nakedness. I am sure that this would pave the way for the kind of intensity and meaning to our connection that would otherwise never be attainable.

Deprived of the comfort of having you in this way, I often feel even more alone than being all by myself. This deceit that exists between you and me seems to create a façade; we use each other as fuels that feed our moments, with no greater shelf life, utility or meaning. At times I have contemplated which is the better of the two options –knowing you the way I do, or not knowing you at all?

Of course it could be argued that everything and everyone I come into contact with is this fuel, but what I want is to extract lasting meaning from this moment; hence I need this act of combustion to leave a memorable residue. I feel the need to rescue this connection that seems to be immersed in a sea of emptiness.

Admittedly, there is risk involved in this sort of thing. But then not taking risk means getting little or no reward. Your knowledge of Economics easily supersedes mine so I hardly need to explain any further. I hope you will reflect on all of this and consider what I ask of you.

You have been at my side during some of the very bleak periods in my life; that is something that I will not forget. Regardless of how you think of me henceforth, and how I would fit into your scheme of things after reading all of this, I want you to know that I plan to always remain the friend to you that I have been.

T.