Ode to a Knightingale.

I am a Knight; in shining armour I am clad,
With faithful steed galloping night and day,
Wearing iron once nearly cost me a gonad,
Yet from my duty I never sway.

Over mighty hills, through barren land,
l travel like a maniacal bitch,
Evil I purge by my own hand,
Come Famine, Deluge or Jock Itch.

While on my travels I go easy on the beer
And also eat light because of my attire,
For if I need to piss or crap urgently I fear
That the eventualities could be quite dire.

I fancy my chances in a duel, if mounted,
Masterfully wielding a lance,
And if the convenience factor is counted
It’s also good for a pole dance.

So basically I am Sir Lancelot
With a bit of a kinky side,
As I also like to prance a lot
But I take it in my stride.

End.

Jack and Jill went for the kill.

Does your infant have the glint of Evil in his/her eyes sometimes? Does he/she smile while ‘virtually’ massacring video game characters? If the answer to these questions is Yes, your child could have the potential to commit heinous crimes. Why not foster their criminal talent right from infancy itself ?
Here are some nursery rhymes which have been developed by Curse-ry Rhymes™ to help bring out the beast in your kids and hopefully inspire them to reach new heights of delinquency and evil- doing. These are actually subtle modifications of some well known nursery rhymes.
We have listed only a few samples of course. We have many many more such rhymes, each one specially developed by our R&D wing for stimulating a separate area of the brain. For only $ 99.99, you will get a whole set of curse-ry rhymes which will secure your child’s future in delinquency; such a small price to pay for such a worthy cause.

As our corporate mantra 1 goes, ‘Recite every Day! Watch your child go Astray!!!’™

Corporate mantra 2 – ‘ More Rhymes mean more Crimes!’™
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Now to the rhymes…

Humped me, dumped me, sat on my balls,
Humped me, dumped me, had a great fall,
All the Kings’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t sustain erections again.

Twinkle twinkle little Porn-Star,
How I wonder what you are,
Cage-dancing in the world, and high,
Diamond studded underpants adorn the sky.
Twinkle twinkle little Porn-Star.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any Hash?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags stashed!
One for the master, one for the dame,
And one for the little boy who’s pretty lame.

Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the cock.
The cock was licked,
The mouse was double-clicked.
Hickory dickory dock.

(The next one is already pretty obscene in its original form, so we decided not to tinker too much with it)

Ding dong bell, pussy’s in the well
Who put her in? Little Johnny Flynn
Who pulled her out? Little Tommy Stout
What a naughty boy was that, try to drown poor Pussy,
Who ne’er did any harm.
But killed all the mice in the Farmer’s barn!

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Buy the complete set of curse-ry rhymes today!!

End.

Verbal Diary-aah

Welcome to the online diary entries of Reginald Doofus and his day-to-day musings. Below are listed some of the more memorable entries in a randomly chosen month (April). The strange bit is that Reginald happens to have a split personality disorder, somewhat akin to the whole ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ thingy. So what happens sometimes is that we see two very differently flavoured entries on the same day. It is almost as if Reginald’s ‘Mr Hyde’ alter ego is acting as a counter balance against the quicksand of banality that the ‘Jekyll’ Reginald is so inextricably engulfed in. We present below the verbal ‘exchanges’/ ‘duels’ between the two selves. The ‘Mr Hyde’ entries should typically be the second entry.
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12 April
Today I fed the cat lunch ten minutes before I normally do. This was because I did not want to miss even a minute of ‘world’s best police car chases’. It was the series-ending episode..was really worth it.
——

Oh yeah, and what did you feed your pet velociraptor? Let me guess- your ugly landlady’s acrid viscera?
ps: Rhetorical question of the day- Do you think I care about your fake and mind numbing car chases?

13 April
There is a vegetable vendor just across the street I live on. This street happens to be sloping. I noticed as I was looking from my window that one tomato dropped out of his cart and rolled down the street. I traced its journey till it got lost in the traffic at the intersection. It was like the tomato was travelling to discover the world that would eventually consume it. How strange is that.
——

How about a head rolling down the street from a freshly guillotined body ? Hmm, but surely that must be more pedestrian a thought than that of vagrant tomatoes. And for the love of God please spare me your philosophical tripe on self-conscious fruit and vegetables. Get a life man or a girl friend at the very least.

17 April
The strangest thing happened today. We had an electricity cut in our locality for half and hour. This is the first time this has happened in 8 years. Like wow!!
—–

That’s a really titillating piece of news Jim. Shit I need to get that cold shower now.

25 April

Today as I was tying my shoe laces, some pretty deep insight happened to me. It was like a Eureka moment. I thought to myself, ‘You know Reginald, there are two basic ways of putting on shoes. The first way would be to put both shoes on first and then tie the shoe-laces later in one go and the second way would be to first put on one shoe and immediately tie its shoe lace and then do the same thing on the other foot. Could it not be possible that some people always follow one method or the other and therefore it could well be the case that there are clues here to the psychology of the individual. It could be possible that those who follow the second method i.e. a person who wears one shoe and then immediately proceeds to tie its shoe lace is a meticulous and focussed person who believes in completing one activity before he moves on to the next. The person who follows the first method is possibly the type of person who likes to dabble in various things and has no qualms about leaving previous tasks partially done. This sort of person may also have an intrinsic bent of mind towards symmetry: it may look ‘unsightly’ for the person to have one shoe with the shoe laces done and the other foot to be shoeless owing to the intrinsic asymmetry of this imagery.’

——
Reggie boy, I would beg to differ with your ‘Pop-Psychology for Dummies’ analysis.
It may well be the case that people don’t care either way and that it is a purely random decision. Or what if the guys who follow your ‘second method’ are actually chronic Hop Scotch players and this ‘subconsciously’ dictates their actions? It could also be the case that they are inherently kinkier: seeing one foot bare/shoeless and the other foot completely ‘shoed on’ mimics somewhat the feeling of being naked in the presence of a fully clothed person.
And what if the person following the ‘first method’ is basically a fickle or possibly a freedom-loving person who wants to have the freedom to change his mind at any stage and doesn’t want to feel bogged down (or should I say ‘laced up’).
Jeez I make myself sick by even trying to prove you wrong, Doofus.

29 April
I weighed my cat today. She has put on a lot of weight. What else can happen if you eat and sleep the whole day? Also it was an annoying day as the phone rang every time I was in the toilet.

—–
I am quite ashamed at the way you discriminate against your velociraptor. Why, you never even mention him.
Also Doofie, I don’t mean to sound offensive but I hope you do realise that people would much rather asphyxiate on their own puke (or someone else’s puke for that matter) than read your diary.

End.